Why Emotional Regulation Is Not the Same as Controlling Your Emotions

I hear frequently that someone has come to therapy to “control my emotions.” Very often, they do not recognize that controlling their emotions is not the same as regulating them. We often talk about emotional regulation as if the goal is to stop feeling so much. To calm down faster. To stay composed. To not react. But emotional regulation was never supposed to mean controlling your emotions. In fact, sometimes trying too hard to control an emotion can make it even harder to regulate.

Sometimes, we have to take a step back and actually ask, “What is my goal when it comes to my emotions?”

It may seem easier to not feel so deeply or to always keep your composure. But we have to hold space for the fact that you are a human being, which means you are going to have emotions. You are going to feel angry. You are going to feel anxious. You are going to feel hurt, overwhelmed, disappointed, excited, frustrated, and everything in between.

Understanding the difference between emotional control and emotional regulation is one of the most important steps toward actually learning how to regulate.

Emotional control says:“I shouldn't feel this.”
Emotional regulation says:“I am feeling this. What do I need to do with it?”

That distinction matters because with the first, there is often shame, guilt, judgment, and very little room to actually understand what is happening. With the second, there is understanding, compassion, and curiosity.

Instead of asking, “How do I make this feeling go away?”, emotional regulation asks, “What is this feeling telling me, and how do I want to respond to it?”

The goal is not to stop having emotions. The goal is to learn how to experience them without allowing them to completely dictate what you do next.

What Emotional Regulation Actually Means

Merriam-Webster defines an emotion as a conscious mental reaction (such as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body.

Emotions are information. They are meant to give us more information about the world around us and our internal experiences. So if we try to eliminate feeling something, push it down, or ignore it all together, we may be losing out on valuable information about ourselves.

Feeling an emotion is not the same as acting on it.

You can feel angry without yelling.
You can feel anxious without avoiding everything.
You can feel hurt without immediately sending the text.
You can feel jealous without accusing someone.
You can feel overwhelmed without deciding you have to quit.

Emotional regulation looks different for everyone and may be different in certain situations. But generally speaking, emotional regulation is the ability to respond to your emotion rather than let your emotion drive your behavior.

Here is a general guide on what actual emotional regulation looks like:

It is important to note that Regulation does not mean you never become overwhelmed. It means you have ways to move through that overwhelm without making things worse. It is giving space for what is coming up and choosing how you need to respond (which may not always look how you want).

Emotions are meant to give us information and then we decide what to do with that information. We do not choose our emotions, therefore we do not have the ability to control them as we may desire. So instead, we have to learn how to respond to the emotion and the information our body is providing.

Sometimes the Most Regulated Response Doesn't Look Calm

The biggest misconception about emotional regulation is that someone who is regulated is also calm. That sometimes may be the case, but very often is not.

Sometimes regulation means crying rather than holding everything in. Sometimes it means leaving a conversation because you're too activated to communicate effectively. Sometimes it means saying you're angry rather than pretending you're fine. Sometimes it means setting a boundary that someone else doesn't like. Sometimes it means taking a break, needing reassurance, moving your body, talking to someone, or giving yourself time. And sometimes regulation genuinely does look like sitting calmly and thinking through something.

The most important distinction is recognizing that you do not need to suppress what you feel in order to be regulated. In fact, it is often the opposite. You need to give space to the emotion itself and allow yourself to take in the information it is providing. And you don't have to believe every thought or obey every impulse that comes with an emotion. You have to give yourself the compassion and space to figure out what will actually help you work through the emotion, rather than simply trying to get rid of it.

As a reminder, emotional regulation is a skill. Which means it is something that needs practice. Just because you read this blog and set the intention to follow the guide does not mean it will automatically happen. You need to practice this skill over and over, in different contexts and with different emotions. Letting yourself become familiar with the things that make you uncomfortable does not come easily, so do not get discouraged if this feels difficult.

The most important thing is that you have set the goal to better understand yourself, your emotions, and how to respond to all of the information they provide.

Before You Go, Consider This...

You don't have to become someone who never gets angry, overwhelmed, anxious, or hurt. The goal isn't to become emotionally unaffected. It's to become more comfortable being a person who has emotions and more confident in deciding what you do with them. Here are some questions to help you on that journey:

• Am I trying to regulate this emotion, or am I trying to get rid of it?

• What do I usually do when an emotion feels uncomfortable?

• What happens when I act on the first impulse I have?

• What would it look like to give myself a pause before responding?

• Can I allow myself to feel something without letting it decide what I do next?