The Difference Between Knowing Something and Actually Feeling It

“I know.”

I know they didn't mean it that way.
I know I'm safe now.
I know what happened wasn't my fault.
I know I deserve better.
I know I can't control what other people think.

And yet…

It still really hurt.
I don’t feel safe.
I feel like I did something wrong.
I care about them.
I feel judged and embarrassed.

I say it all the time: If you could outthink your feelings, I wouldn't have a job.

We can know something, understand it, and still struggle to feel differently. We want our thoughts to be the thing that controls our emotions. We want to be able to reason our way out of anxiety, talk ourselves out of hurt, or remind ourselves of what we know until our feelings finally fall in line. Unfortunately, it doesn't quite work that way.

As I mentioned in my last blog, we don't choose our emotions. We choose what we do with them. And sometimes, that means accepting that knowing something is true and feeling that it is true are two very different things.

Knowing is cognitive. Feeling is experiential.

We can identify a fact, understand a concept, recognize a pattern, or even explain exactly why we react the way we do. But to feel something as true…that is a whole different thing.

It is true that our thoughts influence our emotions, but it can also be that our emotions influence our thoughts. And sometimes they can be two separate things. The frustration comes when there is all the understanding in your mind, but your body does not want to follow suit. You don’t want to be upset, but you are. You want to feel happy, but instead you’re anxious.

This disconnect can be a result of your nervous system reacting to a trigger. Our nervous system is pretty powerful when it comes to emotions - the main point of our sympathetic nervous system (fight/flight response) is to keep us safe. Not just physically, but emotionally. So if something happens that our nervous system may perceive as “unsafe” to our emotional well-being, it’ll send an emotional response regardless of what you want to feel or are thinking.

This is why insight alone doesn’t change our emotions or even our overall well-being. Yes, understanding and insight is the first step, but if your nervous system is constantly hijacking your control systems, all the insight in the world will not change how you’re feeling.

So how does knowing become feeling?

If insight alone isn't enough, then what is? The short answer is: experience.

You don't necessarily learn that you are safe because you repeatedly tell yourself, “I am safe.” You learn it because you experience situations that once felt unsafe and discover that you can move through them without the outcome you were expecting.

You don't necessarily learn that setting a boundary doesn't make you a bad person because someone tells you that you are allowed to have boundaries. You learn it by setting one, experiencing and tolerating the discomfort that comes with it, and realizing that someone else's disappointment does not mean you have done something wrong. You don't necessarily learn that you are capable because you repeat, “I am capable.” You learn it by doing hard things, making mistakes, recovering from them, and seeing yourself continue to move forward.

Our emotions don't always change because we found the right thing to think. Sometimes they change because we have enough experiences that teach us new information that challenges what our nervous system has learned.

This is one of the reasons therapy is about more than simply gaining insight. Understanding where a reaction comes from can be incredibly valuable. It can help you recognize patterns, make sense of your behavior, and give you language for what is happening.

But understanding the pattern is not the same thing as changing the pattern. At some point, you have to give your nervous system new information. It is all about allowing in the emotions that come up instead of trying to avoid them. Learning to feel everything, the good, the bad, the ugly, and knowing that you are capable of moving forward no matter how hard those emotions may hit.

Little by little, those experiences and time with all the emotions begin to compete with the old ones…the ones your nervous system is triggered by.

And this is where knowing can slowly become feeling. Not because you finally convinced yourself hard enough. Because you experienced something different enough times that your body began to believe you.

Before You Go, Consider This…

You don't have to force yourself to feel differently just because you understand something differently. Sometimes the gap between knowing and feeling simply needs time, experience, and the willingness to feel what is there rather than fight against it. So before you move on, take a moment to consider:

• What is something I know intellectually but am still struggling to feel emotionally?

• What emotions come up when I think about that?

• What does my nervous system seem to be expecting or protecting me from?

• Am I trying to change or get rid of an emotion rather than allowing myself to experience it?

• What experiences might help me begin to feel differently, rather than simply telling myself to think differently?

• Can I make space for what I am feeling while still remembering what I know to be true?