Why Birthdays Can Be Hard (Even When You’re Supposed to Be Happy)
Once a year, we have a day to celebrate you being brought into this world. As a kid, birthday parties, cake, and presents all make that one day feel magical. Yet, as we get older, it seems that magic can get lost. In fact, it can be replaced with other emotions that don’t really align with celebration at all.
Birthdays can bring up a lot of emotions and it can be hard to process when the cultural expectation of a birthday is all about fun and celebration. If you feel sad, angry, lonely, or really anything other than happy, it can feel like you’re not being appreciative enough or like maybe there is something wrong. But really, as great as birthdays can be, they can also be very hard and that is completely normal.
Birthdays Make Us Take Stock
Birthdays are not always just about celebrating another year ahead, they often bring about thoughts of the year passed. This particular day sheds a light on the fact that, with another year gone, another piece of your life is complete. With that, people often ask themselves questions about who they are and where they are in life. And those can be some difficult questions to answer.
The questions I see asked most around a birthday are things like:
Where am I compared to where I thought I'd be?
What have I accomplished?
Who am I now?
What did I think my life would look like by this age?
What hasn't happened yet?
This mindset is not inherently negative, but the focus of those questions push the mind to thinking what is lacking, versus what has been gained. These questions can bring up grief for things we didn't get, relationships that ended, opportunities we missed, or versions of ourselves we thought we'd become.
That is not to say these questions don’t hold value, because they actually are extremely important and thoughtful questions to ask. We just have to make sure we do not only focus on the negative that comes up. Holding space for self-criticism without harsh judgment is a very delicate balancing act. I believe the best way to do that is not to avoid this questions, but instead add more of them:
How have I grown this past year?
What all have I accomplished already in my life (that maybe I wasn’t sure I ever would)
What are some of the amazing things that have already happened?
What am I excited to still look forward to?
These questions are not meant to negate what the original set of questions brought up, but to balance them. Nothing is all good or all bad. When we take stock of the past year and where we are in our life on our birthday, the most important thing is to recognize it all - the good, the bad, the ugly.
Sometimes the Celebration Highlights What’s Missing
Once we take stock, it can make us aware to what, or who, is missing. Big days, like a birthday, can make certain absences feel louder. It makes you wonder about your friendships, you notice the people who didn't reach out you thought would, you may have a difficult family dynamic, you feel the absence of someone you lost, or maybe you feel surrounded by people yet you don’t feel seen or truly known. These things may be easier to move past on a regular day, but on birthdays we naturally become more attuned to these absences. Feeling lonely, ignored, unimportant, or misunderstood on past birthdays can bring up anxiety and worry for future celebrations.
In addition to that, birthdays can bring up a lot of comparisons. You see other people celebrating on social media with flowers, parties, and people who ‘show up’. It is hard not to see that and compare your own birthday - but you have to remember you are trying to compare your behind the scenes with someone else’s highlight reel.
And then there is the expectation on how to be on your birthday…the expectation to be happy. You may feel like you have to perform happiness, to experience your birthday ‘the right way’. You don’t want the one day that is meant to be all about you to feel like you didn’t celebrate correctly or wasted it. The pressure to have a ‘perfect’ day can make disappointment feel even heavier. It can also amplify the loneliness, sadness, or other difficult emotions that were already there. When we believe we are supposed to be having the best day, it can become even harder to admit that we’re not.
When all of these things come together, it makes sense that a birthday may not always feel like a celebration. You may be reflecting on where you are, noticing what or who is missing, and comparing your reality to the expectations you have for how your life, or your birthday, should look. But none of that means you are doing your birthday wrong. Sometimes, the most important thing we can do is stop trying to force ourselves into feeling one specific way and instead make room for all of the emotions that come with being another year older.
You’re Allowed to Feel More Than One Thing
You can be excited for your birthday and anxious. You can be grateful and lonely. You can feel critical and proud of yourself.
You can be anything you need to be, not just on your birthday, but everyday. Especially when we have these large moments, these milestones, we want to have the best experience possible. But in order to do that, we cannot push away or avoid the reality of how we feel. Instead, when we embrace all of what we feel, we open ourselves up to the most honest experience. A difficult birthday doesn't erase the good things in your life. And having a good birthday doesn't mean you have to ignore the things that hurt.
I encourage you to redefine what a birthday needs to look like. Maybe celebration means a party. Maybe it means dinner with someone you love. Maybe it means taking yourself somewhere you've wanted to go. Maybe it means turning your phone off and having a quiet day. Maybe it means doing something that makes you feel connected to yourself, rather than doing something that looks celebratory to everyone else.
There is no right or wrong way to spend the day that is meant to be about celebrating your life. You don’t have to force yourself to feel happy, and you don’t have to feel guilty when happiness isn’t the only thing you feel. Sometimes, celebrating yourself simply means allowing yourself to show up exactly as you are.
Before You Go, Consider This…
Your birthday doesn't have to be a test of how happy, successful, or fulfilled you are. Before you judge yourself for how you're feeling, give yourself permission to be honest about what this year brought with it.
What am I actually feeling about getting older?
What am I grieving, even if I don't usually talk about it?
Am I comparing my life to an expectation or to someone else's highlight reel?
What would make this birthday feel meaningful to me, rather than what I'm supposed to want?
What do I want to carry into this next year, and what am I ready to leave behind?
