When Therapy Feels Like Talking About Nothing
Have you ever walked out of a therapy session thinking “Did I waste my session today talking about nothing really important?”
It is probably a more common thought than most people realize. The hour of time you just spent might have been talking about what TV shows you have been watching, how the World Cup is going, or maybe just something funny that happened that week. It is often assumed that every session of therapy should be ‘doing the work’ and when you leave a session asking yourself if you wasted your time there, it can be disheartening.
But here’s the thing - therapy is never meant to be just one thing. When we pigeonhole ourselves into thinking one way about something, we often miss the bigger picture…myself included. I personally had this experience with my own therapy just recently. I was frustrated and feeling like I wasn’t utilizing that precious hour of time wisely. It felt like a waste and made me really wonder about my own clients’ experiences with this type of session. And then I realized why those types of sessions are so incredibly important to the entire therapeutic process.
The Nervous System Remembers and Learns
There is a lot of talk these days about our nervous systems and how it can impact our functioning overall. A big reason for that is because our nervous system does not just react to our environment, it learns from it. The human brain uses repeated experiences to build expectations about what is likely to happen next. In other words, when we experience the same pattern over and over again, our brain and body begin to anticipate it. So, if you are going to therapy consistently and always talking about negative experiences, things you feel need to be changed, or processing your trauma, your nervous system can begin to associate therapy with that level of intensity.
Now don’t get me wrong, therapy is absolutely meant to talk about and process those intense experiences and emotions. There just also needs to be space to hold the idea that if that is all we ever talk about, our brains and bodies can begin to associate therapy with searching for what is wrong, what needs fixing, or what still needs to be healed.
The Boring Truth about Healing
When it comes to healing, many people assume it means no longer feeling negative, not having anymore negative thoughts, or even not being affected by their past. As wonderful as that may sound, healing is more about being able to adapt to those situations rather than not having them at all. Healing is boring. It looks less like constantly feeling amazing and more like having the ability to move through life’s ups and downs without getting stuck. It is your nervous system learning that not every moment requires a fight-or-flight response, and that safety, calm, and even ordinary moments can exist alongside the difficult ones. When therapy only feels like a place where we search for what is wrong, it can unintentionally reinforce the idea that there must always be something to fix. The truth is, the entire goal of therapy is not to create a lifelong dependence and continuous need for it. It is to help you build the understanding, skills, and resilience to navigate life’s inevitable challenges, whether therapy is a part of your life or not. Which brings me back to the point of all this - why those boring, talking about nothing sessions matter.
Seeing the Big Picture
Those ‘talk about nothing deep’ sessions may feel like a waste. But they really are helping your nervous system break out of the “I am always struggling” mindset loop. We need those gentle reminders that sometimes, you are just doing okay. It is important to focus on the things you love, the moments that made you smile, and the overall mundaneness of life sometimes. Therapy is supposed to help you get into that mindset on a day-to-day occurrence. But how could that be a mindset you find if all you ever focus on in these sessions are the negatives? What you look for, you tend to find. Looking at these sessions as a reminder that there are not only struggles in life can be a very helpful shift in the way you see them. It also can be a good indicator that you might be reaching a point that this stent of therapy might be ready to close out. Celebrating the small wins, the mundane days, and the overall boringness that healing can give you and your nervous system a different experience in therapy…one that says life is not only about surviving the hard moments, but also about noticing everything else.
Before You Go, Consider This…
This week’s questions to reflect on are meant to help you see where you’re at in the therapeutic process and to challenge some of the ways you see these ‘talk about nothing’ sessions:
When was the last time you shared something good in therapy?
Do you feel pressure to always have something "important" to talk about?
What ordinary moments have been signs of growth that you almost overlooked?
What does healing actually mean to you?
